Thursday, November 13, 2014

How To Beceome Famous Like the Kardashians in 5 Easy Steps (without pictures)


Everyone knows who the Kardashians are, right? (No? Have you been living under a rock? Wikipedia that stuff pronto). The real question is, why do we know who the Kardashians are? How did they gain this elitist position that they were entitled to a 3 million dollar wedding, a husband with a "Lord" title, and their own TV show?


1. You cannot come from humble beginnings. Give up now if your mom or dad is basically not a plastic surgeon or a lawyer because that's how this concept of "New Money" starts up.  Your parents need to "get lucky" and basically operate on or represent someone who has a MAJOR crime on their hands. In Kim K's instance, her father got his boost of fame from the O.J. Simpson trial. It was just a downward Hollywood spiral from there. You have to be the spawn of someone who matters, look at Nicole Richie for example. Her weight might've gone somewhere but her name certainly did not.

2. Make money by showing off your money. Book parties, show up to events, endorse brands. The more you do the more you make, and the more you're seen. Basically this cycle of famous-ness starts all over again. One way to get famous quick is to leak a sex-tape. That sounds bad, but being famous comes at a cost. Kim K did it and so can you. Maybe Playboy will come to your doorstep and offer you a spot on the cover like they did her *wink wink*.

3.Once you demonstrate you do well on camera (on and off the set) you are now entitled to your own TV show.  Kathie Lee Gifford is your go-to women for this operation. Apparently, if she thinks you're "funny" enough she will just put you straight on E-News. I hope your house is clean because cameras are about to start rolling-up everywhere. Or maybe even just develop your own talk-show. You're obviously the next Ellen DeGeneres if all your socialite friends think you're funny.This is a crucial step, do not mess this one up. Think of Snooki! Where would she be if it weren't for Jersey Shore?!

4. Start up a singing career. Kim K is "relaunching" her pop career. (Whoops, I didn't know she had started.) If you can't sing, its okay. We'll get Paris Hilton to help you out. Or instead of singing yourself, just marry someone who sings. Kanye is doing big things in his life right now... (only because I let him finish after I announced Drake is the best rapper in the world). If you can't beat them, join 'em. Remember, Photoshop and audio tuning are capable of, pretty much, the same things.

5. Lose a lot of weight, get pregnant, wear a hideous dress, get caught in a car chase, or just let a body part slip out of your outfit. The media loves that crap. Keep your name in the headlines and you'll forever be in the field of "greener grass." Hang out with famous people, as long as your next to other people who are famous for doing nothing  your spiral towards stardom is unstoppable




***The amount of sarcasm in this article is really high right now. Please don't take ANYTHING I say personally or believe that I would actually do any of these tasks to become famous.***

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