An Acclamation To The Student Who Out-Witted The Professor

If you are unfamiliar with the situation, you can read the whole article here, or you can read my blurb below.

Elijah Brown is an undergrad at Maryland’s Anne Arundel Community College taking an accounting class with Professor Red Beatty. As per usual classroom protocol, Mr. Beatty administered an accounting test and allowed for his students to bring in a 3x5 index card to use on the test. The kicker is he did not specify the size of the index card in a unit of measurement. Seeing the loophole in the situation, Elijah took that as an opportunity to bring in a 3ft by 5ft index card.

Let me just slow clap Elijah Bowen into this... *clap*... *clap*... *clap*...
One step for a student, one GIANT leap for undergrads.

I died when I heard about this. This is the kind of wit college students thrive off of. Not that we are always trying to "catch" the professor messing up, but it does leave a warm fuzzy feeling when you can out move the teacher who has a masters or 20+ years experience in the subject they're lecturing. 

Dedicated undergrads spend weeks preparing for tests, quizzes and research papers to get them ready for finals.  There is a lot of pressure placed on students to retain a lot of information in a short amount of time. Bless the professors that allow cheat cheats but BLESS YOU [Elijah Brown] for even cheating that system.

Students are constantly trying to figure out what it is the professor wants. They drop little hints here and there saying "This will be on the test," but most of the time the test hasn't even been conceived yet so how are teachers going to remember everything they say will be on the test WILL BE on the test? 

I am an advocate for doing the bare minimum but also doing a job well done. Bill Gates once said, "I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it." I think you should get in contact with Mr. Gates there Elijah and see if he has any projects lying around for ya.

I have to admit I am kind of jealous that I was not this dexterous while I was going through college. I kind of want to go back through all of my syllabi and catch some of my not-so-favorite professors in a slip-up. I won't, but I had to share the thought anyway. 

Although, I have to admit. Putting together such a massive cheat sheet, it makes sense Elijah hardly had to use it. Maybe this could be a new studying tool for the millennials. Professors, look to the wise. Give your students a 3ft by 5ft cheat sheet opportunity and they may just surprise you by filling it out causing them actually to study. 

In the end, I'm glad Professor Beatty still let Elijah use the large cheat sheet. He can't even be mad at Elijah for seeing through the lines on this one. Of course, Prof. Beatty won't be so naive next semester, so incoming accountants better stay on their toes.

The Craigslist Fetish

Buckle up y’all, have I got a story for you.

Most people have tinder stories where dates have gone rogue. I, however, have craigslist stories where wanted ads lead me amiss.

Why every craigslist ad I answer has to be some circus act, I’m not sure.  It seems I’m the Junie B. Jones of the internet. Respond to the ad, STUFF GOES A-WIRE, write about it. Repeat.

It all started with the Free section. If you’ve never taken a gander down that black hole, I highly encourage it. One mans trash is another man's treasure. Usually, I would find scrap metal, rock, or an occasional palm tree. The idea is these people just want this stuff out of their life and for the price of gas and an awkward conversation it can be all yours. Well, after drinking one too many mimosas at the pool, I went back home to my empty, newly moved into apartment and started list looking. I came across this couch that looked to be in highly decent shape. The ad specifically said the couch is yours if you can get it. Could’ve been the mimosas talking but my friend and I were one determined pair to get me that couch. 

After my very well thought out “Hi, is the couch still available?” e-mail was sent I anxiously waited for a reply. And when I say anxiously wait I mean I turned on Sex in the City and took a nap. I woke up to a slew of emails which one indicated the couch was still available and I could come pick it up today. SCORE. 
Not quite.

I drive a Honda Civic and my friend drove a Volkswagen Jetta. Not exactly couch transporting cars. Defeat hit us HARD. We called friend after friend with a big enough vehicle to see if they were up for letting two entirely respectable, young adults, not experiencing a mini hangover from the sugary mimosas, drive their truck across town and back until we realized Nana had a Ford Escape. We were in business. 

A Ford Escape is no Escalade, but it is still a pretty sizable piece of machinery. After going back and forth about if the love seat would fit in the trunk space, we decided it's now or never and hit the highway. Literally, I tripped getting into the car. 

Forty-five minutes later we pull up to an apartment complex on the outskirts of Vegas, and that was when reality decided to slap us in the face. It's 9:00 pm on a Sunday night, two girls are going to some strange man's house they met via craigslist to get a couch while wearing flip-flops. Does any of that sound like a good idea? Do you think anyone ever tried to stop us? No... no one said a single damn thing about how this might not be a good idea. At this point, it is Do or DIE. We were doing, so we pulled up and summoned the mysterious internet man. 

Expecting an old-man-Jenkins look alike, we were pleasantly surprised when the gentleman was a fit older man that could have easily passed for an ex-biker squad, guitar playing dad. He seemed super excited to get his couch out of his garage, at least that is what we were telling ourselves. Surprise hit us hard when we saw how big of a love seat it was because no way was it going to fit in the back part of the car.

(We have not even gotten to the good part yet, so if you're still reading, just wait.)

WELL, not so old man Jenkins was extremely helpful. He began making all of these suggestions for us on how we could tie the couch to the roof, make two trips, or even call another friend. He was determined to make sure we took this couch. 

We started apologizing for how inconvenient we were being. We legitimately thought it would be a slip and slide into the vehicle and we would be on our way. Homeboy Jenkins was not stopping and calls his neighbor out. Now were mortified because this is becoming way bigger of a deal than necessary. I am still in no position to give up a free couch, but I felt so awful at how bothersome we were being. Jenkins (i hope you know that's what we're calling him from here on out) asks his neighbor for a rope. Yep, we are now tying this free couch from the free section on craigslist to the top of Nana's Ford Escape. 

Feeling useless in my flip flops, Jenkins and his neighbor strap this sucker down GOOD to the top of the car. We couldn't even believe how helpful these guys were and for nothing at all. I had no cash on me so I couldn't even pretend to give them some compensation. We thanked the gentlemen and scurried along in our family vacation style ride. I was so grateful for their help and expressed to my friend almost the whole time we were driving out of the complex how much I wanted to write them a thank you note once we got home.

It had been like 9 hours since we consumed anything besides alcohol at this point, so we were STARVING and ordered a pizza to eat on the way home.

(Yes, this is where it gets good)

We are about halfway home, no plates to eat our food, with barely any napkins, just greasy pizza and two friends driving down the freeway blasting Brittany spears when I get a text message. 

Yes from Jenkins himself.

Jenkins: Hi Jordan. Hope the drive is going well. I just wanted to let you know you and your friend have the most beautiful feet and I have a huge foot fetish. I'd love to massage and worship your toes and feet if that is something either of you two would be interested in, please let me know.

Why. WHY ME? 

I gotta hand it to him. I appreciate his forwardness but how does a girl reply to that? "TY but nahh. Thx for the couch."? You're hittin' me with a curve ball here Jenkins. I can't even write back because my hands are covered in pizza grease which he noticed because about 10 minutes later I got another message.
Plz, dont.

Jenkins: I take it neither of you are interested.

Not particularly. 

Me: Sorry we were driving. No, unfortunately not, thank you for the couch though. Have a great evening. 


Never heard from him again but I did gain a couch, a lesson on meeting strangers and they let me keep the rope.

I do think twice about the free section. I still peruse it just in case some gold pops up. I pick my battles wisely and weigh the pros and cons of what a particular item is worth to me.

Thank you, Jenkins for providing me the ultimate craigslist experience and sorry mom. 

So tell me... do you have any Craigslist circus acts you would like to put out there? I am all ears (technically eyes)...

SWOLEMATES: Why Meeting "The One" at the Gym Isn't So Bad

People frown upon being hit on at the gym because that is "your time" and "your space" to let loose. I 100% agree with that. The last thing I want is some sweaty guy telling me how to fix my squat form. A gym might seem like the wildest place to pick up someone, but it is one of the best places to meet someone.  I think it is all about the approach. If you go up to someone and hit them with a "come here often" line, your return rate will be very close to zero. Something a little more subtle after a gym class or after you've seen each other in passing more than three times might be a more appropriate time to strike up a normal conversation. There's no harm in looking for love while getting fit in the process because having a swolemate might not be the worst thing in the world.

1. Active Gym-Goers are disciplined. 

It takes a lot of mental strength to dedicate yourself to working out. They put their bodies in situations that will make them feel uncomfortable. It describes their mental state and how they persevere through difficult circumstances. Yes, you can tell all of that just by seeing them deadlift at the gym.

2. Cheat days are with food, not other people.

"Are you cheating on me?"
"I only cheat once a week...WITH A DOZEN DONUTS!"

3. You don't need to think of an excuse to "bump" into them.

Chances are you will see them again if you go to the same gym and have a regular schedule. If you do see them again, they're probably committed to their goal too. BONUS!

4. You can see what you're working with.

Body builder? Body-in-progress? Catching gains? Workout clothes do not hide much, and that fluorescent lighting isn't hiding anything, so you have a clear shot at seeing their full potential the first time you lock eyes.

5.You both have similar lifestyle choices.

Eat, sleep, workout, repeat. Everyone likes a gym buddy. You can motivate each other. You do not have to do the same routine necessarily, but it is nice to know someone at the gym when you need a little five-minute breather.

6. They have an endless supply of tupperware.

You will never have to worry about not having a container to store left over food in.

7. You've already seen each other at your worst.

You're sweaty, maybe out of breath, and probably smell a little. If they're still interested after all of that, there has to be something worth looking into. Let's be real here; no one is "glistening" after leg day.

8. You can challenge each other.

I set internal competitions with others in my head. Things like do two more reps than the girl on the left, pass the guy in front of you on the running track, or go on the front line of the fitness class. Your inner competitive side might come to the surface if completed enough. 

9. The endorphin level is unreal

Exercise releases endorphins throughout the body making you feel happy and confident. Surround yourself with happy people, and you will be happy too. There's a kick-starter for ya. 

10. It's always nice to have someone around that will compliment your butt.

We all know this is the REAL reason we go to the gym, so having someone do it on the regular seems like a bonus. 

Before you know it, you'll be swolemates. You simply cannot lift without one another.