A Letter to Those Who Swagway

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Dear Swagboard riders,

Is it called a swagway? Who thought that was a good idea? I'd like to meet them personally. Can that be arranged? Have your people call my people.

I want to address these Smart Electric Balancing Skateboards (AKA Swagboards).  I don't understand the purpose of these things. Is walking that difficult? I feel like you are exerting more energy trying to balance on those headless segways than just picking up your foot and putting it in front of the other. Yes, these boards look fresh and futuristic but how lazy can you get?

First off, I want to apologize because if I see you riding around on this, I will watch and stare. I promise it is a fascination stare, but I have not quite figured out if that’s a good thing or not. 

I want to discuss what I absolutely can't stand about these little hover machines. 

1.) It takes an enormous amount of time for you to get through a doorway causing those traffic jams everyone hates. 

2.) Your about a foot taller than usual and you start looking down (literally) at all of your friends all while keeping your weight distributed evenly. That can't be good for your neck.

3.) From far away you look like a head just floating across the crowd. 

You get to your destination a little bit quicker but at what costs? What kind of turning radius do these machines have? How often are the brakes checked? Do you know how to use the brakes? What happens if someone is chasing after you? Is it quicker to run or just step on it with your board?

I have so many unanswered questions, and maybe that is why these products confuse me. Maybe I am just an uninformed citizen but what kind of quality does this bring to life? I do not know if I am justified to be writing this letter as I have yet to try a "swagway", but I do know these are a nuisance to the regular, old-fashioned walkers.  I’m honestly waiting for Google to add "swagway" to one of their transportation options. "Walking will take you 10 minutes, but swagway will be 7 minutes to your destination." Thanks, Google. 

How professional are these things. Can I show up to an interview on this?

Another thought I had is the fact I only see tall people riding these things? I feel like you're making it harder on yourself. You have to be sure you duck under every structure, or you could potentially be decapitated.  

What happens if I drop my pen right as you are about to "swagboard" your way over and you run over it? Do you only run over it or does your machine screech to a halt, send you flying across the room to land on your elbow and break your wetness? These are real questions people have.

At the same time, I think a lot of you are missing out on some great opportunities with these segway boards. Think about all of the possibilities. You could play "Roll Out" by Ludacris everytime you leave the scene or play "Turn My Swag On" when you literally must turn your swag board on. Dramatic effects can fall into play very quickly here. This is the beginning of a great starter pack series. I hope you don't mind being the butt of every joke. 

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